Fortunately, you are not the first to go through all this and some of those who have come before you had the common courtesy to write it all down, just for you!

First there were books and now there are blogs all sharing a wealth of knowledge that can be simply invaluable to a newbie parent.  And lets face it even some of the more seasoned parents still need a drop of sound advice from time to time, because contrary to what we like our children to believe, we simply can’t know everything all of the time.

One such portal of parental wisdom that boasts a plethora of pregnancy and parenting advice is a web site created by the bestselling authors of What to Expect When You’re Expecting, aptly called… www.whattoexpect.com (well you should have been expecting that at least!)

So next time your just not quite sure what to expect, at least you’ll know where to look!

It’s all about expectations really.

You’re expecting a baby, you’re expecting to finish work a week before the baby arrives and you’re expecting to go back to work when that perfect baby you’re currently expecting settles into a routine at three months of age. And then he/she can pop off to nursery school when the creche you’re expecting to get a place at, confirms. Oh, and yeah, you’re expecting to be back in your bikini by then too, because that’s what they do in the mags. Right? Wrong. Big, fat wrong!

The truth of the matter is that there are many alterations to expectations during pregnancy and parenthood. Things just don’t always go as you, well, expected you see? And the belly does tend to take on a mind of its own! Cut yourself some slack, there are some factors here that contribute.

Probably, you are not a celebrity with a personal trainer, private chef, nanny from day one so you can get out and pound the pavements, or even your own plastic fantastic to help remove the extras you’ve been left with.

So here’s what we normal people do. How old is your baby? Fact is, it’ll take nigh on a year for all your bits and pieces to retreat to whence they came. And some never do. Think about what went on in that region!

Breastfeeding. It’ll either make the extra kilos drop off you (lucky you!) or you’ll retain a bit of extra coverage – it’s part of being able to provide for your baby in this most fantastic way.

Did you have a nicely curved belly pre-pregnancy? Give yourself a break, enjoy the changes to your body and revel in what it has just achieved! Do not amp up the stress levels all in the aid of a bikini body, it is just not worth it! You will get back to a place that makes you happy. Do not indulge in creams and fad diets and do not click on that irritating link that boings around on your screen every time you go near a clothing or lingerie site! Your abs will be fab again soon. Just keep your expectations in perspective, girlfriend!

Take a wee moment to think of all the weird and wonderful stories you have heard regarding pregnancy and breastfeeding, where truth and fiction blur constantly. Here at HOTmilk, where we deal daily with both, we do like to keep in mind the lighter side of the reproductive phenomenon which lead us to think about the huge number of euphemisms out there to skirt round the issue of being pregnant. Now why can’t we just come out and say, “I’m pregnant, she’s pregnant, his girlfriend’s pregnant…”. No, it seems not!

Yes, we can see there are times when euphemisms do come into play but more to disguise a few fairly graphic anatomical terms, particularly in front of Junior who may happen to be around. But being pregnant? Is it not one of the most enduring facts of life and a cause for celebration?

You only need to follow the celebrity pages to see who has a baby bump. Journalists dedicate themselves to bump watch and conjure up screeds of pregnancy terms…pregtastic, preggerlicious, pregtacular… you get the idea.

Then there are clearly terms for those who don’t wish to acknowledge that being pregnant is a result of having sex, the terms having something of a genteel flavour. In the family way, in a delicate condition and eating for two spring to mind. Then along came a little humour with on stork watch, in the pudding club and bun in the oven. A little more scurrilous, perhaps bandied about with a pint are knocked up, up the duff and for good measure up the spout. Preggers is usually used by women and occupied and enwombed are modern day, tongue in cheek euphemisms making a stand at being added to the list. Definitely a leap in the right direction from the biblical term fallen (“It was two years before I fell…”). Not only does it sound painful, it smacks of Lucifer and the fear of God!

While you may think we have the good people at Apple to thank for the current cool phrase, in pod, this term has actually been around since 1890! But one which we can’t help having a giggle about here at HOTmilk, is the good old got one past the goalie!

If you’ve got any to share, we’d love to hear them!